Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.