*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Can’t. Being lazy.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.