My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels