Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days