Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Body by cheese-puffs.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!