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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.