*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!