My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…