Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
i wish i could marry a nap
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.