I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
You Might Also Like
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes