cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
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*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
This is a sub tweet
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before