*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Carpe DM
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM