Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Sounds like a bargain
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?