Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
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Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean