Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas