Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
For those that worship cheese..
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.