Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Stop sending me this shit.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.