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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.