Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
It’s an epidemic…
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!