My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.