JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
back to work
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*