“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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the greatest twitter interaction
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people