(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.