ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me driving through Toronto
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”