馃槄馃槄馃槄
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Kid logic: don鈥檛 need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom鈥檚 pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won鈥檛 believe this
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.