Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”