IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”