[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.