3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
This is my cat’s medicine.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only