My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Perfect
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*