I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Very good! 👍😂
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.