“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
this is me
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t