just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
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WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.