Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.