Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
it’s finally my moment to shine
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive