Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
This squirrel eats better than I do