Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Come back with a warrant
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.