I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE