My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays