[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.