Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Passed by a old school Math example today.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx