Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles