WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Mad Max Arctic Road
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG