I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he鈥檒l look like a wizard
6YO: No, he鈥檒l definitely look like a panda
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
January has been Januweary
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I鈥檝e been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My problem isn鈥檛 that I lose all my chapsticks. It鈥檚 just that I don鈥檛 remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that鈥檚 hardcore
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
馃幍If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds馃幍
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.