Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces