I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I know karate and tons of other words.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.