“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.