date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.