Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Sign at work today
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
This raises questions
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.