I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
You Might Also Like
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct